Some of my friends think that out of all the genres of people out there, I hate hipsters the most. That is FAR from the truth. True, I may diss hipsters for looking too much like a douchebag, but for the most part, their music ain't that bad. No, it's not hipsters... and much to my surprise, it's not Republicans. I know, I'm surprised, too.
No, my Enemy Number One are old people. When you live in a building full of them, especially those old Chinese bitches that close the door right in front of you and they see you trying to open the door, because they turn back twice but they just rush to the elevator before you can get there. Fucking bitches... where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, old people.
And nothing gets under my skin more than old yuppies... old "hippies"-turned-yuppies... and this commercial is a shining example. What do you call old yuppies, anyway? I mean, technically speaking, it's an oxymoron. The whole "young urban professional" phrase was for the college-to-Wall-Street douchebags of the 1980's right? Or did it start in the 1970's?
It doesn't fucking matter. What I'm trying to get at is that they try to portray these people as ex-hippies when it's pretty obvious these people were never real hippies.
Look how well groomed these men are... if they were real hippies, wouldn't they be wearing hemp, have a huge ungroomed beard, and be making organically scented candles in their house while growing marijuana in the backyard?
The surfer guys... fine... old people can still hang ten... great for them. Afterwards they can drive off in their Mercedez and fuck their trophy wife.
The guy jumping to make a basket in B-Ball without breaking a hip... fine. There's a lot of in-shape fifty year olds... my dad is one of them. And after all, we only saw that one shot. Afterwards, he probably called timeout to put on some Preperation H.
But the 'guitar player' guy from 0:12 to 0:16? What the fuck is that? This guy is the epitomy of uncoolness. What's up with that synchronized guitar pose with the... black bassist? Hmmm... I'll refrain.
You can tell he's not playing the guitar... and he doesn't even know how... who the fuck does that, really? And that suit? I'm no expert on fashion, but if this commercial is trying to portray an aura of coolness that goes along with getting old and gray hair and shit, then the guy playing the guitar should be the coolest one... not the dorkiest one. Seriously, only the Hives can pull off the suit while on stage... maybe some others... but not this douchenozzle (whoever came up with douchenozzle should be proud of themselves.)
I mean shit... HE ISN'T EVEN FUCKING PLAYING THE GUITAR! There's a LOT of 50 year olds who can shred and look cool. My guitar teacher could have been in that role... but I guess he's not white-looking enough... I digress.
And that plastered-on smile? Everyone knows people who play guitar have a face as they're playing... either that 'I'm so into this music, I'm in heaven' look, or 'I'm making love to you and my penis is my music' look... seriously, look at John Mayer. It looks like he's about to squirt as he's playing.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, old people.
Now I know this is just a commercial and I shouldn't get worked up about it, but I read into this shit because commercials give us a look into the consumerism of our society and let us know what "Fifth Avenue" wants us to look, think, etc. "Buy this product and you won't feel insecure about growing old anymore, you aging yuppies. You can be cool again, just like how you wanted to be in the late 60s when you pretended to be at Woodstock by listening to some bootlegged Hendrix live albums. But it really wasn't Hendrix because your mom didn't approve so you had to rock out to Pat Boone... but man, you showed her when you moved to college, didn't you? You bought that leather jacket, bought a motorcycle, listened to some Steppenwolf and you proved you were cool. Now BUY THIS PRODUCT!"
And the line at the end... "Don't trust anyone over 90?" Cute. It should be "Don't trust anyone over 70" and we can include John McCain in there, but I digress. (He definitely had his funny moments at that Alfred E. Smith Memorial charity dinner.)
But in all seriousness, I have a lot of co-workers who are over 50... they're cool... and they don't need to buy Just for Men's Touch of Grey to be cool because they don't need to pretend... that and they're all either bald or receeding... so I guess they wouldn't be able to buy it if they wanted to. Hmmm...
My dad is cool, and he doesn't bother with that grey shit. No, he just uses the Just for Men stuff to darken the greys in his goatee. Yeah, that doesn't prove my point either. Hmm...
The moral of the story is: men who need Touch of Grey are kidding themselves if they think it will make them cool. And if you see a man wearing a suit as he's playing guitar and it's not The Hives or a punk band being all ironic, then you should probably leave the band because the music probably won't be that rocking.
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