Everybody Loves KUNG FU Fighting. EVERY BODY!

I think anyone my age whose family owned a Nintendo Entertainment System when they were children has played, or owned, Kung Fu. I'm not talking about Kung Fu Heroes (which is below average) or Jackie Chan's Super Kung-Fu, which isn't a bad sidescrolling platformer at all. And I'm not even talking about that 1974 hit sung by "legendary" artist Carl Douglas.

And if I ever do bust out singing the chorus to "Kung Fu Fighting," please slap me.


I'm talking about Kung Fu from the NES's ACTION SERIES! After playing the game again, I realized that in the title screen itself, the game was actually made by IREM. This actually enticed me to do my homework (i.e. Google/Wikipedia it) and in doing so, learned it was actually an arcade game that came out in 1984. Since I was three, and couldn't quite reach the joystick at that time, I really didn't know Kung Fu was just Kung Fu Master that was later ported to other systems.

And upon reading more, I learned that the game was also called Spartan X, which was ALSO one of the names for the movie Wheels on Meals starring Jackie Chan. If you go to James Rolfe's (or for those who didn't know, the Angry Video Game Nerd) CineMassacre site, go to his top ten favorite Jackie Chan fight scenes, and you'll see a clip from this movie. Chan plays a character called Thomas and his girlfriend in the movie is called Sylvia, which just HAPPENS to be the names of the lead character and the girlfriend in which you have to save in this game. But though I have not seen this movie before, I don't think it has anything to do with the movie, as this movie mostly resembles the infamous fighting sequence in Game of Death, starring Bruce Lee in his final role before his tragic death (the Man killed him, I swear.)

So back to the NES game, you start off with Bruce Jackie Thomas on Level 1, and you have to fight off a pagoda filled with bad guys, keeping you away from your beloved Sylvia, who's on the fifth floor, guarded by Mister X himself. Now I don't know why Mister X has Sylvia captured in the first place. Is Mister X jealous that he couldn't win her heart away from Thomas, and thus must kidnap her and force himself upon her? Were they once an item and Thomas came into the scene and Sylvia ditched the dude? Is she like a spy that's onto his world-dominating plans? Is THOMAS a spy and thus, Mister X goes after his one true weakness -- his sexy girlfriend? Is this worth paying the security bill to hire all these guys that do nothing but hug you to death?


I don't know the answer. So I digress.

The first floor contains nothing but "grapplers" and knife throwers, who either toss high or low, aiming for your legs or your face. Despite it being a sharp, pointy knife, Thomas takes it like a MAN. Nothing can prevent him from reaching his love, apparently. The first man to give him some challenge is Stick Man... unlike Mega Man, you don't get his power after you defeat him.


That's okay, because all Thomas really needs are two things: his FISTS and his FEET! Whether he's standing, crouching, or jumping, Thomas will hit his foes with nothing but raw power extended through his limbs (though don't use the jumping fist on anything but the floating confetti balls on the second floors you really hit nothing if you went for that attack.) All you really need is one well-timed jump kick to the face and several punches to the groin or sweep kicks to knock out the baddie with the stick, and he'll fall into the water beneath him, as if you were all really standing on one very thin platform.


Take THAT, Stick Man.... er, Stick Fighter! Once you get to the second floor, you have to fight off snakes, dragons, and exploding balls that shoot out poisonous confetti... or whatever the hell it does to damage you. The main thing to do is: 1) kick the snake baskets before they hit the ground, or you'll have to jump over them to avoid them; 2) kick the dragons, as it gives you 2000 points, or you can just duck and NOT get burninated. 3) jump kick or jump punch the balls before they explode.

Once you get through the onslaught from above, you have to fight more Grapplers and Knife Throwers as well as the new baddie... TomTom... or as I called them when I was young... Acrobatic Midgets. Yeah, I know 'midget' is not PC, but I was young... I didn't know any better.

Once you get pass these guys, you'll encounter Australia's own Quick Man Boomerang Fighter (DISCLAIMER: Boomerang Fighter may not actually be from Australia... he could be from New Zealand... we don't know.) Anyways, dodge these boomerangs by jumping over them, making sure not to get hit when they come back, and keep on punching him until he goes down. He's relatively easy if you don't get hit.

Before you hit the third floor, you're within feet from your girlfriend... but a mysterious force field has PREVENTED you from going closer, with Mister X laughing at you from a distance. Seriously, what else describes this scene?


Seriously, flying snakes from the ceiling, mythical dragons, force fields? What the fuck's next -- MAGICIANS!!! Wait...

No mythical creatures in sight on the third floor, as you fight only Grapplers, TomToms, and Knife Throwers. At the end of the stage, however, you meet the gigantic, the magnificient Kareem Abdul-Jabbar… Shaquille O’Neal… Andre the Giant… Mister Big.

I've had an argument with my roomie over whether this guy is Persian or just a big bad black dude, hired to kill the scrawny Kung Fu expert. Whoever this guy is, he's a freakin' mammoth, as he rarely flinches when you attack him. You could be wailing on him and he'll throw one roundhouse and knock your poor ass out. Seriously, this guy took out SERIOUS LIFE from me. Here, he punched me with about 90% life, and I'm almost DEAD!

Hopefully you have enough life to survive this guy... he can be relatively easy but I'd still be careful and avoid getting hit at all costs.

The fourth level contains nothing but killer moths, coming out of boxes (or windows... I'm not really sure). They're kinda sorta like small homing missiles, as they will follow you to a point. Be careful, as these guys can be hard to hit without getting hurt yourself.


Once you get through the moths, you'll encounter more Grapplers and Knife Throwers until you reach one of the most frustrating bosses I've ever encountered in my youth, the Black Magician.

The Magician kinda reminds me of my grandmother, as she, too, was short and hunchbacked... and had a high-picked, cackling laugh. Unlike my grandmother, though, the Magician could shoot out snakes, moths, and dragons from his fingertips, paralyze you, teleport away from you, and GROW BACK A FREAKING HEAD AFTER YOU PUNCHED IT OFF!!!

Seriously, you can punch off his HEAD and he WON'T DIE! It's like, oh wait a minute... I got a spare head I can use... let me put it on and we can continue this fight. Really, what is UP with Mister X and his pagoda of DOOM? Why would he want a summoner of the dark arts to prevent you from reaching your beloved Silvia?

If you beat this pint-sized prick, congratulations. This guy's freaking tough, and at times, he can be harder than Mister X himself. But we'll get to him later.

Another HELP ME THOMAS! force field scene later, you're on the fifth and final floor, fighting off Grapplers, TomToms, and Knife Throwers. No dragons, no confetti balls, no goddamn moths... just nothing but jobbers, as you PUNCH and KICK your way through them. Actually, there's a LOT of these guys, the TomToms like to jump in this one, and Knife Throwers like to double-team you. But if you can endure that, you'll finally battle Mister X.

He kinda has the same moves that you do, but moves in an awkward fashion... like he does small little hops, and since I could never do that myself, I got thrown off by his style when I was little. It takes skill to beat this guy... or just a lot of energy to come at him with lightning fast kicks and punches... maybe you can jump kick him. Be careful, though, it feels like Mister X can block your moves.

If you defeat him, and force him falling off his pagoda of infinite doom, congratulations. You've just rescued Sylvia and she is back in your arms. Hearts surround a heavenly arc around you. You've saved your girl, defeated the ultimate bad guy, and you live happily ever after.



NOT!

Because now, you have to save Silvia AGAIN, as you go back to Level 1 and fight the baddies ALL. OVER. AGAIN! Oh no, your happy ending is short lived and you have to play AGAIN!

And really, what were you expecting? An awesome cutscene ending? I got some news for you, McFly. This is an ARCADE PORT! They didn't have awesome endings after you defeated them. They made you play again... they wanted your quarters, dammit, and so they got you addicted. They even added this dragon head, showing you how many times you beat Mister X.


You see, it wasn't about getting to the end... it was about top scores. It was about how many points you can get in one sitting (fifty thousand of those points will get you a 1-UP, by the way), and putting your initials on the leaderboard, giving you bragging rights in your 7-Eleven or arcade house. Breakout did that to you... Pac Man did that to you... Frogger did that to you... and you didn't complain back in the days. Oh no, you kept on playing... and you enjoyed it.

Hell, Super Mario Brothers didn't give you an ending, and made you go back to do "another quest." But you didn't complain about not getting an ending... you were PROUD of yourself for defeating Bowser, getting passed his fire bullet breath, his Podobos, his freaking HAMMERS!

But I digress. Despite being over 23 years old, this game is still fun to play. Despite the limited attacks you have, the gameplay doesn't feel limited. The game has great graphics for what you would expect from an early Nintendo game. The control is decent, unless you time your jump kick wrong, and the majority of you retro gamerswill have fun playing this for a good ten to fifteen minutes until your A.D.D. kicks in and move on to something else.

And if you wanna play at a harder difficulty, go with Game Mode B... that kicks my ass royally.

BURNINATED!!!